shes so beautiful, but look at how she disgraces herself by her utter ignorance and complete lack of shame.

reminded me of how i didnt have the courage, how i let people push me around so often, when i did have things to say to them. next time, i should just punch them immediately and tell them im not
stupid.
you can push me around, say rude things to me, just please, please dont insult my friends.
im sorry i didnt kill them on the spot when they were rude to us, i couldnt make up my mind, i was so stupid.
im sorry i insulted you when he asked me to, im such a coward.
and i reallyreally hate the people who push and shove at me and think they can get away with it.

and i hate you, the woman who wouldnt give up your seat to the old ladies who were standing.


i hate myself so so much for not speaking up.

God, give me the courage to tell him somehow.

look, im not emo

i think i need some time to think, to express it out so the people around me can understand, and so that even i can clear my own head and get rid of that idiotic self hatred that has been swirling around recently.
clearly, ive been holding on, but not committing, neither here nor there. you are right, i should really set my mind on something, then carry it out with dignity, instead of making everyone guess. but maybe you never thought that this would be what i am considering, because i never said anything. or maybe you never really bothered to listen.
okay. im doing this because firstly, i seem to have lost all interest in it. going, just seems so painful, i drag myself to it, or just give myself lame excuses. what i once treasured so much, i dont enjoy anymore. it makes me sad.
secondly, im doing this because there are many other things i wish to pursue, like my music, my writing, my drawing, and even god. these things ive negected for so long, because it has been eating and eating my time. like it burns me, and i think back and think and think and cant seem to think of anything.
thirdly, im doing this because of my friends. ive suffered, maybe you havent really noticed, but ive suffered and am suffering and i want to end it. there were countless times i felt so alone and small and hurt but nobody ever did anything about it. because everybody there only ever cares about themselves. no, im wrong to say that, some people do care, but maybe not about me. besides that, ive been neglecting some people so close to me, whom ive loved since young, but because ive been consumed i couldnt ever give them real friendship. i want time, now, to tell them i cherish them. i need that time,now.

lastly, i hate you. im angry at your fake concern, your pride, your rejection. im angry you think you can just come and get me and then throw me away the next minute. so when im gone, i dont think you will really care. anyway, all the best, im sure you will find somebody else. you never really wanted me in the first place.

not emo

"sometimes i just sit there and cry because i know im so alone, and nobody can really understand, you know?"


i know, i know.
im alone, too. i struggle alot, because theres nobody to tell, and even if there is someone to tell, they either arent listening, or their fake concern just shows blatantly. you are missing most of the time, and yet there are some things i would really like to tell you. i love you, much like how you love me, and its strange, but when you found other friends i was willing to let you go with a smile-not even fighting back. i miss you alot, alot,alot. i miss talking to you and telling you things. our laughter now seems different, and i like it better before. and you used to think i was perfect, so i cant tell you now. and you both are away. i miss you guys too, though sometimes you both just dont listen. relying on myself has been hard. im struggling, drowning, killing myself bit by bit.

you
scare
me.



you always remind me how innocent i am compared to you.
yet, you desire my love, my thoughts, my face, you
wish to
consume
me.

dont do this to me, im still
untainted.
please?

everybodys changing

so help me understand and accept, lord,
no matter how
desperate,
flirtatious,
fake,
pretensive,
obnoxious,
and proud
they may be. because i know i used to love them, and they are my friends,
after all.

benchmarks to follow

happyhappyhappy, cos you were
coolcool cold like the
windwinter morning and the
whitewhite

snow.